Cry About Everything

What is it about the last few years?  I seem to cry about everything:  Good news, bad news, in-between news.  Is this a function of getting older?  Is it because I allow myself to feel and experience emotions?  Is it because I live from the heart instead of the brain?  Maybe it is all these things.

This week I got my 3 year scan and it was all clear.  For my type of cancer, this means I can now extend my visits to every 6 months from every 3 months because the chances of this cancer coming back drop materially.  As I walked out of the clinic, I just starting crying.  People around me might have thought I just received some bad news.  Going into these appointments, I don’t think that I am carrying more than my usual amount of worry, but there are likely some pent-up emotions that are released after they are done.  I don’t know for sure.

I do know that I don’t take good health for granted.  But it is not just that.  I have been practicing a speech I am doing  in front of 400 plus donors (money, not organs) at the university where I have been teaching and mentoring students.  I have finally gone through it enough that I don’t cry at three or four different points of the speech.  The speech is from the heart, it is from my journey, from my interaction with students, and from what God is using me for right now.  It is still new.  To rely on God’s plan rather than my own.

I still have too many flaws to count.  I am still a morning person.  I still go to bed at 8pm.  I still worry too much. I am still judgmental.  I still want to follow my own path.  I still think too much about me rather than others.  The difference is that God can use me in spite of these and many other flaws.  In the Bible, God uses primarily highly flawed people to do his work.

This is what is on my mind this morning as I wipe tears away from the keyboard.


A Boomer In Transition

7 thoughts on “Cry About Everything

  1. Dean,
    Thanks for your transparency! It shows the power of Christ in you and encourages others to be more like Jesus. That is our goal — right!
    Blessings to you!
    Ps tears in a speech can be a good thing too!! At least that’s what others have told me. 😉

  2. First of all, a hearty congratulations and an ecstatic praise the Lord on your clear scan! Such relief for ALL of us, too. Appreciate your being Honest, Open, and Transparent about the tears, and about the perplexing nature of them. This life changing experience has opened the door of your right brain after a lifetime of it being stoically closed, right? know you’re not alone in being a left brain type turned right brain. Correct me if I’m way off the mark, but it seems to me that perhaps this reflective, softer side might actually be the more integrated, sincere you, Dean. Yes, the feeling you. Who knows, perhaps your right brain had actually been hijacked by numbers and charts decades ago and, restrained, was eager to escape! You’re asking great questions. I have seen age, maturity, and illness cause this effect too. You are not alone! We stand amazed at this journey you’re on and look forward to your next surprising, fun, and insightful post.

    • Thanks Paula, I was getting up for the day about the time you posted this! I am not sure I was hijacked by the numbers, I still like my data and as evidence of that, I am bothered more than I should be that my Fitbit died and I have been unable to track my step count the last 4 days. Big problem, I know. It may just be that I was so focused on tasks and getting things done – that I still believe is important – that I lacked the balance that a wake up call provided.

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